Why do some people make it so hard to love them sometimes?

The one person I have always craved love and acceptance from has always held it just out of my reach. She did a really wonderful thing for me when I was little. She saved my life. Then somewhere things went all to hell between us. Granted, I was only 5 when she saved me, and somewhere around 9 was when I discovered that things had really fallen apart, but still. Something in those four years put us on two different islands. I’m not sure if it’s because she lost a very small someone special and in turn we all almost lost her, or if perhaps I really do remind her far too much of the one that hurt us so badly that we had to run far, far away. I don’t see the resemblance myself, and I pray that it’s really not there at all. All I know is that I had to grow up without her. She was there, but not really. It was like she couldn’t get me far enough away from her sometimes, and other times I could see that she was trying but somehow I was failing miserably at everything. I just wasn’t what she wanted me to be. I didn’t know how, it was like trying to to navigate a foreign land and not understanding anything. I could go through the motions, but I wasn’t any good at any of it. Except one, and then it was like I was too good almost. Or at least that’s how I felt sometimes.

As an adult, I’ve tried to seek approval and acceptance at times, but for the most part I just stay away. It’s less painful that way. She doesn’t talk to me anyway, unless there’s some catastrophe or she’s scared so I just leave her be. She knows that if need be, no matter what the reason, if she needs it I will come save her. Everyone has their gifts, some are crafty, some can sing, well let’s see?…How do I put this gently? Have you ever tried to poke a momma bear? Well that’s me, I’m the bear. I’m loud, blunt, I have a lovely way with words that tends to make people cry at times, and I have no problem whatsoever defending those I love. Oh yeah and I seem to be missing that fear gene. It’s just that when she stands in her glass house and throws rocks, it’s hard to not bite. Especially when it comes to certain people.